For those of you that don't know, I have a history with Italy and as I embark on the "Eat Pray Love" Journey I have a lot to contemplate so today I am deciding to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard is more apropos).
I used to journal old school style and I will again this trip. It's important to do things just for yourself in a way that no one will ever know.
In this high time of internet connection, I know it's important to disconnect from it all and remember who we are without the gaze, like or acceptance of another.
(Wow, actually when I think about that, this social media age frenzy seems so lame!)
Anyway…I am embarking on a new moment in Italy in a new time, because my daughter was here on a school trip. But she came here when she was a baby and I came here a lot with her dad. Like they say.. Italy is really the world of pleasures.
I learned many things from our relationship and not just eating Tiramisu, but love. A deeply passionate love/hate relationship that would have me begging on my knees many times for resolutions. To even begin to address the cost of letting my egos of desire for fanciness when the whole soul was not there was beyond expensive.
The indulgence and folly of jumping ahead without both eyes open and my feet connected to the Mother Earth was an amazing karmic battle that has taken me 13 years to fight… and by the way… at times I almost lost… but I persevered and by the grace of God. Through the compassion of Great Spirit and the desperate need for me to step up to the plate with the sword of honesty, we have been victorious.
I now hope and work to transmute all old energies into love.
Tensions that arose in my neck and on my face to be dissolved.
Any anger and resentment or disappointment to be dissolved.
To the broken girl inside my heart that thought that hopefully marrying and having baby with a handsome Italian count…I apologize.
I was raised by my hippy parents and I was at times mortified by the long hair and smell of herbs all around me. So when this new relationship arose, I was bedazzled by the fancy and elegant clothes and trips to operas and museums . The shopping sprees and vacations on Yachts.
What makes me sad is I truly was so disconnected that I thought that my life would be taken care of, even and especially if I could not quite make it on my own in the career I had chosen as an actress/yogi. I sold my heart short and I had to pay dearly for it.
I can sense the tingle of the fragmented parts of my heart as I write these words for making choices that would create a very turbulent situation for me. To have been completely blinded by the fantastic and beautiful lie. The "look the other way… no one gets everything" words that were said to me about his infidelity from the mother. The literally millions of dollars that was spent to keep custody of my child… and by the way…never received. The attempt to take our daughter out from under my feet with every attempt using the seduction of the egos to the courts and to our daughter herself.
I will not go on but in looking back I must just take a massive deep breathe.
The nightmare is over…a new day has begun.
What will we create with our future now that we are free?
What is Italy without the history I see it with? The language that I learned from spending time here? How can it have become part of me in a way, but might I forget and forgive it completely and totally?
For too much wine and pizza.
For the city of seduction is quite a puzzle.
I see it with different eyes now.
The passion of young men don't excite me like it did before.
The kisses from strangers make me more weary.
I want to love and heal.
So now, I am here to forgive and be grateful. We have a profoundly amazing child who is coming of age and literally has every opportunity to either make all the same mistakes or to rise above them. I for one have been given the great privilege and duty to help her fight this battle and now show her the options that I never had.
I'll have some pizza and pasta, and my goodness the bread!
Try on some clothes.
I mean, when in Italy right?
Let's see where the city takes me and what it has in store.
To be continued… down the road to India and Bali.
Open to the universal messages and guidance as I heal my past and create a new reality and future. One with infinite possibilities and awakening for self and all.